In my pastoral interactions with young people, one thing has become very
clear—the struggle with identity is real and deeply felt. Many adolescents go
through emotional ups and downs, especially when their need for freedom,
self-expression, and involvement in decision-making is not understood by their
parents. They often feel unheard and restricted. At the same time, parents feel
hurt, confused, or even disappointed when they see their children behaving in
ways they do not expect.
What we see here is not just a generation gap. It is a deeper struggle
between growing independence and protective concern. This reflection is a small
attempt to understand this journey. It looks at how young people move from
depending on others to becoming their own person, and how what we call an
“identity crisis” is actually a very important step in growing up—both as
individuals and as people of faith.
Belonging: Where Identity Begins
Every person begins life in a space of belonging. As children, we receive
our identity from our parents and family. We learn what to believe, how to
behave, and what to value. At this stage, we rarely question anything—we simply
trust.
The psychologist Erik Erikson explains that early life is built on trust
and dependence. This is a good and necessary stage. It gives us security and a
sense of being loved.
From a Christian point of view, this is even deeper. The Bible reminds us
that we are created by God with love and care. We are not accidents—we are
chosen and valued. When the Psalm says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made,”
it tells us that our identity begins as a gift.
But this is only the beginning. The identity we receive must grow and
become our own.
Awakening: When Questions Begin
As we grow into our teenage years, something changes. We begin to think
for ourselves. We are exposed to new ideas through friends, school, and
society. Slowly, questions start to form in our minds:
Who am I? What do I really want? Do I have to follow everything I was
told?
This is a natural and important stage. It means the person is growing.
In school, this can be both exciting and confusing. A student may
discover a passion—maybe in art, music, or something different—but may feel
pressure to follow what others expect. Comparisons, marks, and fear of failure
can make things more difficult.
From a faith perspective, this stage shows that we are not just
created—we are also called to respond. God gives us freedom and the ability to
choose. So asking questions is not wrong. It is part of discovering our
purpose.
Crisis: The Struggle Within and Around
This stage often leads to what we call an identity crisis. It is a time
when young people feel stuck between two worlds. They are no longer fully
comfortable with what they have received, but they are not yet sure of who they
want to be.
This can be a confusing and emotional time.
At home, this struggle often leads to conflict. Parents may want their
children to choose safe and secure paths, while the children want to explore
their own interests. Parents try to guide, but young people may feel
controlled. This leads to arguments, silence, or distance.
Inside, the young person may feel lost:
“No one understands me.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
But this struggle has meaning. It is not just rebellion. It is a search
for something real and true.
In the light of faith, this struggle can be seen as a deeper search for
God’s plan. It is a time of asking not just “What do I want?” but also “What
is God calling me to be?”
Transformation: Learning to Understand
Each Other
Things begin to change when people start listening to each other.
The psychologist Carl Rogers teaches that people grow best when they feel
understood and accepted. This is very important in families.
Parents need to move from controlling to guiding. Instead of saying, “Do
this,” they can ask, “Help me understand why this matters to you.”
Young people also need to grow. Freedom comes with responsibility. Choices have
consequences.
From a Christian point of view, this stage is about love in action. The Bible
teaches us to be patient, humble, and forgiving.
Prayer becomes very important here. It helps young people find clarity.
It helps parents find patience. Forgiveness heals the hurt that builds up
during conflicts.
Slowly, relationships become stronger—not because there is no
disagreement, but because there is understanding.
Becoming: Finding One’s True Self
With time, the confusion begins to settle. The young person starts to
understand themselves better. They begin to make choices based on their own
values and experiences.
This is what it means to “become.”
It does not mean rejecting parents or the past. It means taking what is
good from them and shaping it into something personal.
Erik Erikson calls this stage the achievement of identity, where a person
gains clarity and confidence.
From a Christian perspective, this is even more meaningful. It becomes a
journey of vocation—a calling. The person begins to see their life not just as
their own plan, but as part of God’s purpose.
True freedom is not doing anything we want. It is choosing what is right,
meaningful, and life-giving.
Conclusion
The journey from belonging to becoming is not easy. It includes
confusion, struggle, and sometimes pain. But it is also a journey of growth.
What we call an identity crisis is not failure. It is a bridge—a
necessary step between being guided by others and becoming a person who can
stand on their own.
When seen through faith, this journey becomes even more beautiful.
Identity is not something we create alone. It is something we discover—with
God, with others, and within ourselves.
In the end, becoming oneself does not mean leaving everything behind. It
means growing into the person one is meant to be—rooted in love, guided by
faith, and open to life.
Prayer
